People keep asking me, "why in the world would you join a band the likes of IN THE RED?" Folks, I suffered a deep emotional trauma as a child and my joining IN THE RED is a manifestation of that trauma. Let me explain:
I was young once, shorter and perhaps more clever than I am now. I had a fascination for those things that were off limits to anyone closely resembling a four year old. (Even though I'm certain I was five at the time.)
That time being the traditional spring cleaning, during which every nook and cranny was thoroughly gone over. After the furniture had been moved to the front lawn, my brother (who was shorter, but not nearly as clever) and I inspected every corner of the house to relocate all of those little treasures that had rolled under the couch or had been lost behind the chairs. It was during one of these search and rescue missions that we discovered the metal cover over the heat ducts on the living room floor had been removed for cleaning. In order to prevent a tragedy, my parents were quick thinking enough to cover the air ducts with heavy brown cardboard; however, they were not thinking as quickly as they should have been.
To the naked eye, this covering looked like a common, ordinary sheet of cardboard, but to me, it appeared to be a rare opportunity to demonstrate my.......combination CHUCK BERRY "DUCK WALK" / ELVIS "PELVIC JERK" MOVE!!! YEAH PEOPLE!!! WHOOHOO!! In the midst of my second undulation, I felt a definite gravitational pull, not unlike that of a vacuum cleaner sucking at one's sock. Little did I know that "Duck Walking" on a piece of cardboard would get me into the basement faster than bouncing down the stairs on my bottom.
Upon my arrival in the basement, although dazed and confused (I'm still working on that Jimmy Page riff), I discovered the meaning of the word "dark"! I stood up and braced myself against the wall and was about to collect myself, when suddenly, something tap danced across my hand!! It was EIGHT FEET LONG AND HAD FOUR MILLION LEGS!!
Loosing all dignity, I immediately began groping and screaming, screaming and groping... GASP! The stairs were gone! Shear panic overtook all of my four-year-old senses. It was then that I stumbled into the clutches of the monster! The monster was warm and slimy to the touch, and made an eerie gurgling sound. I felt something warm running down my leg, when suddenly the lights came on. It was then that I realized that I had just wet my pants in front of the hot water heater.
Whew! Ever since that time I've had "What The F--K" seizures. But I get by with Jack Daniels, Tourette Medication and Primal Scream Therapy. But sometimes I slip, go into my seizure and join a band like IN THE RED. I could wake up at any moment...huh??
IN THE RED....
"WHAT THE F--K!!!!"
