SCOTT LARAQ was the voice of IN THE RED for about 2 ½ years. Then, one day, he mysteriously disappeared!
No one really knows what happened. The band was rather quiet about it, because they were in a haze due to the medication required to deal with him in the first place and copious amounts of adult beverages consumed at every gig. There were rumors of some kind of cat fight and a baseball bat, but those were just rumors based on actual events witnessed by half the bar.
Well, its finally time for the truth to be told, and we’ve decided to let everyone in on the reasons for his departure. You are actually going to hear the true facts of what happened right here on our website.....are you ready???? Here it is....
SCOTT LAROQ WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!!!!
(take a few moments to let that sink in……….)
Details are still a little sketchy, but this is what our crack team of analysts knows so far.
(Actually, there isn’t such a team, we just think it is funny to put “crack” and “anal” somewhere in the same sentence.)
Sometime around August of 2008, Scott was hanging out at the gym admiring all the guys whose pecs and biceps were not nearly as large as his own. Somewhere in the early to mid late evening that night, Scott got bored and wandered into one of his favorite hang-outs.
THEN SUDDENLY.. IT HAPPENED!!
A group of freaky looking aliens surrounded the broom closet, covered his head with bras and panties, and took him to planet "WATSAFUKA", located in the far right sector of Division and Wealthy, a cluster galaxy of aliens dressed as homeless people and crack whores. Hidden away in an abandoned warehouse near a homeless shelter, they began to do experiments on him that would frighten even the manliest of men. And Scott too!!
According to Scott’s best recollection this included many sexual experiments, but only with female aliens. We believe this is the basis of Scott’s deeply ingrained belief that he is truly the hottest guy in the universe.
For the record, Scott flatly denies ANY anal intrusion experiments, but if you watch closely, you will notice a certain uneasy demeanor when his back side is left unprotected. It didn’t take long before the aliens found their specimen to be enjoying himself just a little too much, and realized that he served no useful purpose beyond basic mathematics. They eventually returned him to the broom closet where he was originally kidnapped, and in May of 2009 he re-emerged and joined ITR onstage once again.
Since the time of his return Scott has undergone frequent hypnotic sessions to try to revive his failing memory of the events; not that it was necessary, we just wanted to have more reasons to make fun of him. It was during one of these sessions that a posi-tronic penile implant was discovered. While it was shocking to discover the obvious technological superiority required to make a device of this magnitude small enough to be hidden within the confines of his wee-wee, it is not without unintended consequences.
It frequently malfunctions and backfires, most often during “Man in the Box” or “Sweet Child of Mine”, causing excessive smoke, a foul smell, and horrendous vocal abnormalities. The GPS functionality has the tendency to take over completely and cause him to appear to be led around by the aforementioned mechanically enhanced tallywacker. But his girlfriend loves it when he switches it on "vibrate".
Because we care, the band quickly ordered up additional therapy, as long as the doctor promised to take pictures. We are currently gathering all the photos and plan to release the collection in the near future, simply entitled "Watsafucka for Fun and Profit".
A photo of his daring escape can be found here.
Luckily, the additional therapy has smoothed these issues out over time, and Scott seems comfortably back in the fold and back to, dare we say, ………Normal.
We tell you this as not only an explanation of his whereabouts, but also a word to the wise, because if you ever walk up to Scott and ask “Watsafuka is wrong with you?”.. He will only nod in agreement, have a violent flash back, cough up a green slimy substance, and then break down in tears while holding his ass and falling into a fetal position. It’s not pretty. But we do it every once in a while at rehearsal just for laughs.
So there you have it. The absolute truth about ITR lead singer, Scott Laroq.
He may have lingering issues.. but he is still a helluva front man!!
Helpful Links about similar experiences can be found here and here.